have I really learned anything
after all of this time
spent in purgatory
with intentions of holding off on pleasing things
until I felt I was worthy
for it only seems to be
that I learned nothing
and missed out on everything
hate
the ugliness I embrace
again and again
I revisit this place
it is familiar in every way
the touch of the wooded floors and furniture
the scent of metal
taste of chemical
dark light covers me
shaded thoughts ravage me
it is a war between what could be and what may be inevitable
so
I might as well
settle down
sink into a soft red couch
exhale the smoke
accept this life
my life
i wish i never met you
it took months to figure you out
beyond the rain and after the drought
I felt my pocket empty
in it when I reached
nothing but remains of your cliches
always took what you could
things I could not replace
you inhaled my space
drank my health
sank your teeth
sucked my wealth
these days i stumble upon you
by memory
i fight back
resisting charm
slow fast heartbeats
and i turn around
you are not better than anyone despite what your mother tells you.
and let them spite
hate me – all damned day & night
if that is what comforts their own self-loathing
maddening as it can be;
they can take their misplaced judgments
keep them sound, in lying, mirrored-lidded jars
I will fly free
comparable to a sunrise after the pillage
I will fly free
maybe only me, can love me
