the ugliness I embrace

again and again

I revisit this place

it is familiar in every way

the touch of the wooded floors and furniture

the scent of metal

taste of chemical

dark light covers me

shaded thoughts ravage me

it is a war between what could be and what may be inevitable

so

I might as well

settle down

sink into a soft red couch

exhale the smoke

accept this life

my life

sweet-head

 

magic laugh

inflammatory thoughts speeding through the

frontal

cortex

wet and heavy

lips protrude and tingle

eyes flit, palpitating,

gasping heart

it hurts.

this beauty is not mundane, daily life

his lashes are dizzy

whap oxygen from my lungs

pulsating capillaries

so pure in his skin

grasp his hands and hold for warmth

fingernails I want to bite, gently

kiss his cheekbone, sweetly

hold his chest closely to mine until there is no room for

error

and love him

until he, too

feels the ache.

i wish i never met you

it took months to figure you out

beyond the rain and after the drought

 

I felt my pocket empty

in it when I reached

nothing but remains of your cliches

 

always took what you could

things I could not replace

you inhaled my space

drank my health

sank your teeth

sucked my wealth

 

these days i stumble upon you

by memory

i fight back

resisting charm

slow fast heartbeats

and i turn around

 

draw strings

night is when i relax

when i think up all of the good thoughts

relentlessly, and unabashedly

it is at night

when i am able to be real

when i am able to use unsavory wording

when i am able to show a risque photo of me

only to

delete it all by morning